My head is always filled with many things. Dreams, vacations, projects, TV shows i'm addicted to, etc. But it's also filled with fears, self-doubts. Crippling thoughts. Some of you may know (or don't) that I have been battling depression for about 2 years now. But for me, it was a long time coming. I have always been an anxious person, scared of not being good, of not being loved, or not being befriended. You name it. I feel that there is a lot of stigma surrounding mental illness, but i don't understand why there should be. I was depressed. My stress level got so high that i couldn't function. I wanted to stay in my bed. I was afraid to leave my house. And so I got treated. I take medications and twice a week I see a therapist. And most of the time, I feel great. But in many aspects of my life, fear overrules and that really bothers me. I am always out to prove something, to pick myself up any way i can whether through stellar work performance, a susie sunshine demeanor or blatant overcompensation (is that a word?).
Anywhoo, the point of this rambling diatribe is that, well if you suffer from any kind of mental illness, I understand and heart you (sadist need not apply), and that everyday is kind of like the Crusades (who am I?).
I hope i am not alone in my doubts. Somehow i doubt i am. I guess i am more brutally honest about my shortcomings than most. But if you are out there and read this and feel like chatting me up about the world or Downton Abbey (new obsession), than please do. xox
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