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I’m 27 years old and I’ve never been in a serious relationship. For most of my life, I have been commitment-phone: choosing the shortest cell phone contract even if it meant higher cost, renting my car for three-year rather than the recommended 4 or 5…the list goes on. I have dated around but mostly, I have entertained several long-term non-commited relationships. In other words, I have chose to slept with the same guy for 6 months up to a year at a time with no strings attached. These guys were mostly unavailable (emotionally or otherwise). Some were really nice. Some were assholes. But always the same pattern: an unwillingness on my part to believe that I deserved anything more than being 2nd best. I was that girl that they called thrice a week for a hot sex session. I didn’t ask for anything more. I didn’t ask to be taken on dates or to be exclusive or to be treated with respect. Part of me enjoyed this situation: you never have to be vulnerable, the person always sees you at your best/sexiest, sex is great. But there’s also no realness. No human exchange past the threshold of a bed. No emotions, no love. I’ve come to realize that I cannot live this way anymore. That I will not. I am yearning for something strong. A start at least. But being my age and having never been in a relationship is the equivalent to being that lone car in the parking lot of a used car dealership. Or the defective kettle on the shelf at Walmart. You are unwanted by the very lack of "wantedness" you have received. "Something must be wrong with her", is what they all think. I was at a friend’s birthday a few weeks back and was having a conversation with two other single ladies. One stated that she recently had gotten out of an 8 year relationship. Torture, she said. The other had dated a violent man for 4 years before she decided that she couldn’t take the abuse. Yet their collective reaction to my situation was: “wow, you’ve never actually seriously dated anyone?”, as if I was some kind of used, damaged good. My thinking is that I rather be alone than with an asshole. For those
who are reading this and might find some similarities in their
situation, i advise you to go for it. Do all of the things that make you
feel uncomfortable. Have the courage to let someone love you. Otherwise
you may end up with a lot of regrets. Like me. There's still time to
change, no matter how old you are. I am on the right path, of that i am
confident. xox
