xox

That cursed decade

A kind friend and reader sent me, a few days ago, a nice message telling me to enjoy my twenties for what they are-the good like the bad. She, having recently reached the threshold of her thirties, told me that the best was yet to come and that the best year of her life had just happened to be her 30th year. I was really moved by her message and whilst it calmed my fears for a moment, I still can’t shake the fact that well, things are blurrier than ever now. I somehow feel like I was less confused at 20 than I am today. Perhaps because I didn’t understand the gravity of things. Perhaps because I was more careless with my heart. Perhaps because the possibilities still felt endless and the consequences, minimal. No matter the reason, I tend to take fewer risks these days, to over-analyze every action or lack thereof and to always let reason, rather than passion, dictate my ways. Everything now seems much more dramatic-the consequences, the responsibilities; as if somehow, approaching one’s thirties had a finality. I alluded to it on there-and perhaps a lot of it is internalized-but, talking to my friends, everyone seems to be on the same page: there is this idea (or illusion) that your life should be a certain way by 30. That you should be living in a house surrounded by a white-picket fence, that you should be coupled up, possibly married, that your career should be chosen and that you should thrive at it. However, for a lot of us, this scenario is but something you see at the movies. We're out of long-term relationships who we thought would last forever, we are struggling to meet someone to start a real relationship for the first time, we are on the verge of serious debt what with all the superficial things we have acquired and our excesses, our careers are stagnant and sometimes un-motivating and we still have to deal with our landlords and our neighbors who happen to cook scampi a lot. When will things settle down? Many have told me that as you approach your thirties, a sense of calm, a certitude and most definitely a stronger sense of self dawns on you. I certainly hope its true. In the meantime, I will take my friend's advice and enjoy every frustrating and joy-inducing bumps and forks in the road I come across. But, stability, I'm talking to you-you better show your face soon, ok? xox

"The hardest period in life is one's twenties. It's a shame because you're your most gorgeous and you're physically in peak condition. But it's actually when you're most insecure and full of self-doubt. When you don't know what's going to happen, it's frightening." Dame Helen Mirren

They

Share a secret language. She has loved him since she was 14; he was too much of an idiot to see that. Now, he would give her the moon if he could. He stares into her eyes and it all comes back to him: the midnight swims in the lake, the fine lines her mouth makes when she laughs, the touch of her favorite silk nightgown. He loves her. She loves him. And in that moment, everything is as it should. Ablaze, they are. xox

Making it

How fascinating is this video? I adore stories of passion and commitment such as this one. To set your eyes on something and to transform your entire life to do it. Even if it means sacrificing your comfort. In fact, IF it means sacrificing your comfort, the better- as you know it will have been a necessary remaniement of your current self. What would you do if you could? What would you build? I'm still working on that answer but for me, I think sailing around the world would be a crazy adventure. Or roadtrippin' for 6 months...Or living in the country, raising chickens and nurturing a crazy garden. The bravest part is not only, I think, to find what you want to do; it's having the courage to do it. xox

Doing it alone

I have been...lonely. But not the bad type of lonely. Yes, admittedly ever since I moved out, I have been quite by my lonesome. And yes, the first few days were giving me panic attacks, to say the least. But for the past two days, I have felt a peace come over me. I feel...alright. I feel fine. It's a Thursday night and I am at home and that's ok. I'm doing things for me. I am slowly learning to listen to my own needs and do things that make me happy rather than doing things out of obligation or servitude. When in your late twenties, society tends to dictate that on a Thursday night, you should be out. You should be mingling, meeting up beautifully polished people and getting essentially (in a very glossy and glamorized way) trashed. Now, I am not saying that once in a while, I don't enjoy doing it (I do.) But today was stormy, and humid and what I wanted was to go to Zara and then walk home, eat pizza and salad, blog and read a good book. And so I did. The crazy thing is, when you are constantly stimulated, by people, by animals, by tasks, you forget to see things- really see things. I walked home in the pouring rain and I can confidently say that Montreal was absolutely beautiful, something I hadn't appreciated in a long time. Hence, why it's important to stop and smell the flowers sometimes. Don't be scared of silence. Of being by yourself. Or spending quality time with yourself. Next stop for me: going alone to the movies (something I have never done before) and possibly, traveling alone. I feel fine. Because, let's be real, i'm fine company. xox

xox

Just love

There's something to be said about love. Pure, unadulterated love. Love that overcomes tragedy, but more than that, love that lives through hardship and doesn't lose its strength, shine and glory. There's also something to be said about regular "celebrity" weddings and what is shared with the public (read: same old, same old cookie-cutter pictures of a couple holding hands as the sun sets *barfs*). But when I saw these pictures, from the wedding of one of my fave TV character ever (Matt Saercen from FNL), I was left speechless. Although it isn't explicitly mentioned, you understand that a tragedy occurred prior to the wedding (they lost a child quite along in the pregnancy, even possibly at birth)...And you still feel the pain in these photos by Jonas Peterson (see the full set, here). You feel the sorrow and you feel the joy. Which is why I was so moved by them. Because in life, there is no pain without joy and vice versa. It's real. And that's what makes it beautiful. xox

If you live off a man’s compliments, you’ll die from his criticism — Cornelius Lindsey

Wanderer

I'm on Pinterest. Find me here. xox

Giving it away

 Carrie Bradshaw once asked the very philosophical question: “are we romantically challenged or are we sluts?” In this day and age, it seems that we are in a bit of a pickle, really: either we give it away too soon for fear of losing the guy and in order to keep his interest, or we hold back a bit, in order to keep his interest and for fear of losing him (because, what if he thinks that I do this with all the boys?). So what’s a girl to do? I recently found myself in a very similar situation where these two ideas were playing a ragging war against one another. After much talk with my girlfriends, guy friends and therapist and after countless Google searches (which I shamefully admit to), I have come to this very basic conclusion: it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what decision you make, as long as you make it for yourself and that you respect your values. You see the problem with this catch 22 is that in both instances, you give the power away to the man and you act out of fear (of loss and judgment). Don’t feel pressured to sleep with a man right away (if you don’t feel like it). If he likes you, he’ll stick around. If he doesn’t, then he was only after one thing. Do sleep with him if you feel so inclined. Sleep with him on a first date if you want to! Sleep with him on the fifth date! Don’t sleep with him! You decide. There is, however, a general consensus (that I established after my almost Ph.D-level research): if you sleep with him immediately, don’t be surprised if he thinks the only relationship you guys will nurture is the one between the sheets. If you hold out for say, 2 months, don’t be surprised if he thinks you’re not into him. Do it. And don’t do it. But listen to your gut feeling. And be at peace with your decision. xox

xox

H-E-L-L-O

There's a new Daniel Day-Lewis in town (circa The Last of the Mohicans). His name is Anson Mount (you might remember him from Crossroads!!). Welcome Mr. Mount. And come again. xox

Doubts and thoughts

 
Perhaps the biggest lesson of my twenties so far has been that things are never going to turn out as you expect them to. You might hope, you might daydream, you might even expect...but prepare yourself to be surprised. This has worked both favorably and unfavorably for me. However, if you would have told me that moving out of my father's house- an event that is supposed to be joyful and corkpops inducing- would have been so tear-filled, I would not have believed you. In fact, I imagined my move as the ultimate act of freedom. Rather, it has been filled with fears and guilt with a small dash of joy lost in there too. You see, for the past 8 years, I have been taking care of people. When my mom left, she left with a big pile of problems and I took it upon myself to clean it up. I felt it was time for me to move on and I thought that things were going to naturally fall into place: I would feel elated, I would party all the time and my beloved dog would follow me blindly because, well I'm fabulous and he loves me more than anything. Not quite. In fact, he has been a mess, prompting me to be (even more) of a mess. The truth is, I miss my home. I miss the smell of the water (I left the burbs by the lake to move downtown). I miss a backyard and I miss the trees. And more than anything, I miss my dogs. But, I KNOW that this move is necessary. I need to work on myself and what I really want. What is it that I want? I hardly know. I don't know what makes me happy because I have been so busy trying to fix my problems, that I somehow forgot to ask myself this very crucial question. Where am I going in life? What are my plans? Who am I? Who am I without taking care of everyone? So tonight, I feel like a mess. I feel very far from where I want to be in my life. But I need to start somewhere. So I'm starting here. Wish me luck. xox

xox

Smile like you mean it

Thanks Julia. Thanks for the reminder. xox

Old Loves

Entranced by Old Loves. It's like being sucked in a black hole. And I kind of like it. xox

On the move

 

Today is the day I am moving out of my father's house. And I am both excited and terrified. I'm a late bloomer; things usually happen to me later than most. Still, even if I am deep into adulthood (hello, thirties, I see you on the horizon), I am finally taking one of the biggest adult step. Today, I am moving into town (I lived in suburbia my whole life), I am learning the true meaning of responsibilities and I am, in a very big way, emancipating myself. It's a new (symbolic) journey ahead. Hope I rise up to the challenge. xox