Everybody has a bête noire. A dark side, oft hidden from the world, that only reveals itself in moments of weakness, of lack of self-control. Some people deal with their bête noire better than others. Some embrace it, some succumb to it, some indulge it. I try to contain mine, to push it aside, to hide it. My bête noire is (a part from depression) anger. It’s not that I am intrinsically an angry person. It’s just that I tend to bottle everything inside and when it comes out, I can be quite destructive. I always use the analogy of Dr. Jean Gray in X-men. Her powers are too grand, too dark and too dangerous so they are contained in her mind until they’re aren’t and then she ends up destroying everything and everybody. I feel like that sometimes. I don’t like confrontations. I have a hard time just being honest about my feelings, voicing how I feel instead of very rationally trying to find an explanation for how I feel. And so the frustration builds up and comes out in an unruly way, one that makes me look like a biter shrew sometimes. And I can hurt people. I don’t realize it, I’m not aware of this power I have but with the wrath of my tongue I have rubbed more than one the wrong way. There’s also the fact that I speak with such passion and that can be construed as an attack-when more often than not, it isn’t. So my resolution (cuz, you know, I make resolutions all year round.) is to open up more. To express my feelings instead of repressing them. To say when something is wrong even if it won’t yield any change. To open up instead of bottling up. And ultimately, to stop fucking abusing people. For those who’ve been hurt by my fault, I am so sorry. Truly. xox.
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