Size me up

Baby's got back is my favorite karaoke song. It also very aptly applies to my situation. This is me, with no Photoshop, no retouching, no makeup, nothing. I often joke about the sheer size of my rear, saying, as Bridget Jones would that it is the size of Brazil. And it is, indeed, of very considerable size. As a defense mechanism, i tend to say jokes or remarks about my bum before people have time to even form an idea about it. I beat them at their own game-or at my own imagined game. I have been tyrannized about my shape for most of my life. As a child, i was pin-thin but when puberty hit-which was at a young age for me- i quickly transformed into a Coke bottle. This is the sappy story of almost every girl: she gets teased mercilessly and runs home crying every night. But the difference in my case was that i wasn't teased by girls but rather by boys. This was, after all, a pre-JLO era and Quebec is, by most account, a boob nation. Though luck, i have none. I also happen to be, in most situations, the curviest girl present and not uncommonly, the one who eats the least. Not because i'm starving myself. But in a weird twist of fate, my "skinny" friends tend to eat in a gargantuan manner whilst I, am often full much before they are. I have made leaps and bound in terms of self-esteem from my early teenage years. But once in a while, and very perversely, doubt and self-loathing creep in. And i find myself on a beach, at almost 27, next to my best friend who is so so gorgeous, and yes, part of my wants to cover up. And yes, part of me is ashamed of how wide i look, how thick i am. The road to self-love is never easy. I have been to hell and back, to thick and thin. Two years ago i dropped to a size 4. I fit in a size 4 jeans which i had never never never been able to do in my life. And yes, i had no qualms about putting myself in a bikini, but i had no boobs and protruding bones everywhere. I can honestly say that i am in a far better place now that i am back to my size 10 jeans than i was then. Upon seeing my Florida photos, however, I decided that i had gotten too plump to my taste. And so, i have decided that i'll start running again. Not to get thinner necessarily but to feel better. Not to reach another person's standard of beauty but my own. And that is what's important. xox