Bitterness cometh

 I feel like a may have mislead the very gracious readers of this blog. I dearly hope not but somehow i feel like I may have given the idea that all is unicorn and rainbows in my world, despite having survived emotional turmoil.  I certainly would despise sounding like those self-righteous women who seem to have everything under control (Gwyneth Paltrow, i'm hollering at you.) Because, certainly, it is not the case for me. I am not always Suzy-fucking-sunshine. As a matter of fact, there are days like today when i'm hanging on a thread. When i honestly feel like a could curl up in a ball in the mud under the rain and bawl my eyes out-à la Bella Swan. You see there is this great dichotomy in life, where you can be the person who survived depression, who picked herself up from the floor and who, forged through and you can also be the person who would like to bash everyone's skull against a brick wall. Who would like to give everything up and be selfish and go far away. When my mom left, in a very non-maternal way, I was forced to assume a role that i didn't want, that i didn't ask for. My family dynamic has always been such that there needs to be a caretaker. It's a necessity. Somebody needs to take care of things, clean things, fold things, let the dogs out, buy the groceries and such. And so, i found myself having to take care of a 60-year old man, a twenty-something sister, two dogs, one cat and one house. Admittedly, I could have left. But something in me couldn't. And so, i didn't. There are days like today where i find myself suffocating. I find myself longing for a life of my own, for the life that a 27 year-old should be able to have. And i get bitter. And resentful. And angry.

There is always a vary naive part of me that longs to be saved. That wishful thinking that someone could come and make it all better. But the truth is, that if i ended up curling up in a fetal position in the mud, no one would come. And i'd probably catch pneumonia and have to pick myself up and limp back home. Similarly, no one will knock on my door and offer to clean my debts so that I can move out. Moreso, no knight in shining armor will whisk me away to a place where i feel love and loneliness doesn't exist. That won't happen. And sometimes, my own inability to save myself, to wipe the bitterness away is despair-inducing. So please, know that if you feel like shit sometimes, it happens. And by God, i am not here trying to drill in you some sort of morale. I haven't found the magic equation to make everything right. But when i do, you'll be the first ones to know. xox