The price of freedom

I’m 27 years old and I’m single. People are already cringing at this thought. But what’s more, I have never been in a serious relationship. I have dated guys, I have had serious sexationships but never a real, live-in boyfriend. Now in the past, this was due to many things. Low self-esteem, self-hatred, belief that I didn’t deserve any better than loneliness and spinsterhood and fear, of being vulnerable, of being hurt but at the core, of loosing my freedom. Maybe this stems from what I’ve been exposed to, in terms of relationship models since infancy. But the reality is that deep within me, lies an unshakable fear of loosing myself in someone else. It really is hard to explain. I want to be in love, I want to be with someone full-time, to experience companionship and sharing. But all at once, I am scared that by doing this, I will relinquish my own freedom. I will trade in love for a life of self-abnegation. A life lived like a zombie: unable to do what I want, relinquishing in a time past when I didn't have to be on my best behavior all the time, losing my joie de vivre. It’s a free fall from there and there are no respise, in my mind. I’m trying to get to the root of this, to tell myself that when I find someone who loves me, he will give me the freedom to blossom as myself as well as in the relationship. I won’t have to be perfect or to be constantly with him. It’s ok to have some free time-doesn’t mean that you’re a bad partner. As I am getting older, I am also feeling more confident in myself. I know I’m a good catch. I’m not perfect but I have some good qualities. Hell, I’m great! ☺ Now I need to find someone who will see that too. And get rid of that fear. Because I think that actually, you might find your liberty in someone. Afterall, isn’t love supposed to give you wings? xox