Doubts and thoughts

 
Perhaps the biggest lesson of my twenties so far has been that things are never going to turn out as you expect them to. You might hope, you might daydream, you might even expect...but prepare yourself to be surprised. This has worked both favorably and unfavorably for me. However, if you would have told me that moving out of my father's house- an event that is supposed to be joyful and corkpops inducing- would have been so tear-filled, I would not have believed you. In fact, I imagined my move as the ultimate act of freedom. Rather, it has been filled with fears and guilt with a small dash of joy lost in there too. You see, for the past 8 years, I have been taking care of people. When my mom left, she left with a big pile of problems and I took it upon myself to clean it up. I felt it was time for me to move on and I thought that things were going to naturally fall into place: I would feel elated, I would party all the time and my beloved dog would follow me blindly because, well I'm fabulous and he loves me more than anything. Not quite. In fact, he has been a mess, prompting me to be (even more) of a mess. The truth is, I miss my home. I miss the smell of the water (I left the burbs by the lake to move downtown). I miss a backyard and I miss the trees. And more than anything, I miss my dogs. But, I KNOW that this move is necessary. I need to work on myself and what I really want. What is it that I want? I hardly know. I don't know what makes me happy because I have been so busy trying to fix my problems, that I somehow forgot to ask myself this very crucial question. Where am I going in life? What are my plans? Who am I? Who am I without taking care of everyone? So tonight, I feel like a mess. I feel very far from where I want to be in my life. But I need to start somewhere. So I'm starting here. Wish me luck. xox